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The KidVegeta Anthology/The Big Book of Very Important Things/Sweet Nothings About Cuber by KidVegeta and Destructivedisk
So this one is the only true collaboration in The Big Book of Very Important Things. DD and I wrote this to make fun of Cuber, a fanon Saiyan owned by HZ. Since Cuber's personality section wasn't written at the time (it still isn't as of me writing this commentary), we wanted to let the readers in on some nice trivia about his personality and history in order to make Cuber seem, in any way, real. That's pretty much all there is to it. DD and I wrote the first bit of trivia in April 2014, and for the next several months, he and I edited the page a few more times to add several more trivia bits about Cuber. It was completed on August 26, 2014 (although only one trivia point was added on that date). I wrote by far the majority of the trivia. I do find it funny that even in late 2018 as I write this commentary, this story still holds true. Cuber yet lacks a personality section, and his history has not been completed either. With that said, Cuber is great. I wouldn't have written a page like this about any of Geti's characters. This was just a fun little joke DD and I had at HZ's expense. I love shit like this. Story *Cuber does not masturbate the same way his creator Hyper Zergling does. *When Cuber gets mad in his base form, he looks like the Hulk. *Cuber does not know how to swim. *When Radiohead once famously said "Anyone can play guitar!" they didn't know Cuber existed. *By the time of his death, Cuber has had sex with Chaiva exactly 2138 times. It would be 2139 if not for an intrusion by Quoeyg one starry night. *Cuber was old enough to see Frieza the first time Frieza came to Planet Vegeta. *Cuber can use chopsticks, despite being a Saiyan. *Cuber wanted to buy a Mrovian fishtank but Chaiva would not allow it. He kept a secret fishtank over at Quoeyg's house, though. He had many spectacular Mrovian fish within it, and Mrovians from Mrovian miles around would come to see the pride of his creation. He later won first place in the regional championships in aquarium competitions. *Cuber shaved off all of his pubic hair after seeing it turn yellow once while he was in Super Saiyan form. *Cuber was widely considered to be the sexiest male Saiyan on Mrov during his stay there. *For Chaiva's 50th birthday, Cuber bought her two fish for his secret fishtank (which he didn't tell her about anyway). So the two went to a nearby pond and threw the fish in there since Cuber wasn't supposed to have anywhere else to put them. Chaiva seemed very gleeful at this and named the fish "diey" and "diey: II still dead" because she hoped they would die in the pond filled with many predators. Later that night after having some sex (with Mrovian condoms so as to not create Skall yet), Cuber snuck out (with his sneaking clothes) and re-captured the two fish and snuck them back into his fishtank. There they remain to this day, not yet dead - although Chaiva believes they are long since dead. She hailed the presents as the finest Cuber had ever given her. *Cuber has eaten more food in his lifetime than even Nappa. He throws a lot of it back up, though. *Cuber is an accomplished Mrovian yo-yo expert. Sometimes he goes on stage and swings a few of them around to some pretty rockin' music in the background. *After meeting Cuber and returning to Earth, Ledas named the biggest rock in front of his house after Cuber. He called it "Cubest". *Cuber has never heard of feldspar. *Cuber does not consider Mrovian thinking games to be sports. *Cuber is undefeated in duels against small Mrovian children. *After Cuber died, the Mrovians erected a statue of him that bore a striking resemblance to the statue of Vladimir Lenin in Seatle, Washington, USA. *If one looks closely, Cuber appears to be a Chinese-Saiyan of so fine a strain. *Cuber was the oldest Saiyan in history to never know about sex. He didn't learn about it until he was in his 40s. *During the making of Skall, Cuber remarked to Chaiva that he wanted them to transform, but then realized that a tsunami of semen would demolish the nearby Mrovian town if he grew so large. *During the Essentia Saga, while the Saiyans were planet-hopping, Cuber can be clearly seen destroying a population of Rahuls. How the Rahuls managed to thrive on a planet of their own and maintain a sizable population is a matter of great controversy. Mrovian scientists and plebeians alike have waged bitter, week-long debates over the Rahul planet, though nothing put forth in those debates has proved to be satisfactory in answering the mystery. *At first, Cuber wanted to name his son Dom, but then Chaiva quickly reminded him that Skall needed to be named after a vegetable. He wasn't happy for days, and the Mrovian yo-yos were not seen even once in Cuber's great depression of the 774 Age. *Sometimes Cuber dreams of Yuki and these dreams are sexual in nature. Sometimes he dreams of him and Ledas gangbanging the shit out of her, and sometimes he merely dreams of mating with her while in the form of Cubas. Either way, these dreams comprise the Bedtime: Cuber Edition series, a spin-off of the very popular Bedtime series, which features Chaiva fucking the shit out of Ledas and Ryori (without Cuber knowing about it). *Since Cuber doesn't know the day of his birth, he celebrates his birthday on the day he got his first fish in his pond (this was before the birthday present fish). *One time, Cuber was unable to maintain his erection whilst inside the vaginal cavity of one, Chaiva. He had Quoeyg create a suction device to remedy this problem. As the device required manual use, and Cuber didn't know how to use it, this caused Quoeyg to be present during several mating sessions thereafter. Chaiva complained about it, but only a little bit, because deep down inside (past the back of her vagina), she liked it. *Cuber is allergic to cinnamon. *Cuber has never been drunk, because he does not like the taste of alcohol (he's a bit of a pussy in that regard, even though alcohol is terrible, terrible poison that tastes awful and makes me want to throw up and after I drink it my eyes burn and my pee-hole's on fire like the Balrog of Khazad-dûm (a proper Flame of Udan if I ever saw one)). Even a few drops would get Cuber exceptionally drunk. However, this would create a paradox in the Dragon Ball universe. If Cuber became drunk, his personality would change a certain amount, due to the effects of the drugs. However, Cuber has no personality (see the above personality header with nothing under it), so alcohol couldn't have any effect, even though it would have to. *Cuber has portraits of Jackie Chan in his Mrovian house in the fashion of pictures of Stalin. This is a bit odd, as Cuber seems to be more of a fan of Lenin than Stalin. *Cuber folds his tail around his body opposite of the way most Saiyans do. He did this because Macbeth is his favorite Shakespearian play. *It is speculated that Cuber had another younger brother, as Hyper Zergling has three younger brothers, and only two of them were represented in his fanons. This younger brother might make an appearance in the last few sagas of The Mrovian Series, after he is sent on an urgent mission to give Cuber more fish for his Mrovian pond. This brother has the most potential out of all of Cuber's brothers, and, accordingly, he does not spam Metaknight as much as the other two do while playing SSBB. Of course, since none of them play SSBB anymore (they are project M elitists in Limbo), it doesn't matter as much as it used to. *If Cuber were a polar bear who came across a cactus, he would have sex with the aforementioned cactus. *Cuber is the third hottest person that Chaiva has ever had sex with. *Like many aspects of his 'personality', Cuber's penis is also modeled based on his creator, Hyper Zergling. In turn it is uncircumcised and still quite short. *Before Cuber ejaculates, he quickly gives names to the hundreds of millions of sperm he is preparing to ejaculate. Because of this, Skall was named before Cuber had sex with Chaiva for the sole purpose of procreation. *Cuber once attempted to start a career by giving five-second reviews of movies. Unfortunately, this venture ultimately failed, because he didn't have anything interesting to say. Poor guy. *Cuber will howl at the moon and dig in the dirt for worms when he feels aroused. *One time, Cuber inhaled some marijuana. He immediately cursed all of the Mrovian gods (the old gods and the new) and ate 3 pineapples in quick succession. *Cuber cannot catch on fire due to having Saiyan chicken pocks at the age of 2.31. *When Cuber was 4 years old, he drew 11 pictures of him "wrestling with mommy the way daddy does at night". Cuber's aunt hailed the pictures as both beautiful and provocative and urged him to become a Saiyan artist when he grew up. Cuber was 4, so he didn't understand nor give a fuck about his aunt. *Cuber once wrote a book about his Saiyan life, but it was only 100 words long. During his book signings, Cuber would routinely read the book. However, he never got permission from Mrovian Barnes and Noble to do so, so he'd just read the 100 words out loud in the corner of the store. The book sold poorly, so no one knew what it was when he was constantly reading it over and over again. *When Cuber trains, he imagines that 55 well-dressed statesmen are watching him, sipping wine and talking amiably. He likes to think of their nice top hats and white gloves and it makes him taste raspberry on his tongue. *To Cuber, there is nothing finer than eating at Quoeyg's diner. *Cuber once had a nightmare about having to tame a shrew and masturbate with a porcupine. The second got him sufficiently aroused to rub out his man clit on Chaiva's toes. *Cuber briefly taught at the local Mrovian elementary school. His teachings on engineering were as vivid and thought-provoking as the Saiyan's own personality. *If Cuber ever met King Kai, the two of them would hate one another. *Cuber will make sounds when he shoots ki blasts, including "Pashoeeewooosshhh!!" and "Whraagrahbaba!" and "Uaaaaoooooo" (also used in bed). He thinks it makes him look cool, which is why he does it all the time. It does look cool. *Cuber learned how to cipher when he was 35. *Cuber tried growing a beard once, but he couldn't since he's just not good enough and fuck him. *In the June 1, 774 Age issue Galactic News weekly magazine, Cuber was nominated for 'sexiest living Saiyan'. No, he didn't win. *Cuber once started a lemonade stand on Mrov. He went out of business on the first day, since Mrovians don't eat or drink anything except water. Chaiva was a cheap bitch, and she wouldn't even buy one cup for a nickel. *For a brief period of time, Cuber wanted for Chaiva to piss all over his face while they had sex. He quickly lost interest in this when he realized that his brothers were watching him from Limbo. *Chaiva and Cuber used to have sex when they were around 7 years old, which is pretty rad for the two of them, but not so for Speonitch and Kailon, who only had one another to mate with. *Cuber knows how to cook rice and ramen, though he cannot make toast (don't ask him, as he will promptly destroy the toaster in a fit of rage and toasters are expensive as fuck on Mrov). *Cuber sometimes procrastinates having sex with Chaiva, much to Chaiva's chagrin. Sometimes, he'll use the excuse of "my mind is so tired right now, I can't even think" or "I'm too busy playing smash" or "I've gotta share some photos from facebook pages I like and try to get my friends to like those shares, and even though I had nothing to do with the content of those posts, it makes me feel good inside that someone liked something of mine (even if it's not mine)". Chaiva considered cutting off the poor man's penis after that, but thought it was too small to get a clean cut. *Cuber said he would have sex with a dude so long as he didn't see the dude he was fucking. "A hole's a hole", he said, stroking his chin and wondering what his personality is. Chaiva was none too pleased with this, as her hole hadn't been satisfied in more than 2 moons. *Cuber once created a personal ad on Mrovianlist, entitled: "21 year old busty hung stallion looking for foxy friends". He got dozens of responses, but only from males. *When Cuber was little, planet-hopping and evading the Planet Trade Organization, he used to name all the planets he was on. He would name them after words he had learned, starting chronologically. So the first planet, Cuber named "momma", etc. This caused several planets to gain catastrophic names, such as " "the", and "doublethink". *Cuber would also name each of his shits in the same manner. *Although he knows it not, Cuber is somehow descended from Genghis Khan. This is why he commonly has fantasies of grotesque things such as stomping a man's head in, trampling his enemies with large armies, and mutilating corpses posthumously. It is thus far unclear how this will play into the greater plot of The Mrovian Series. *When Cuber saved Mrov from Nitro, the Mrovians renamed him "Dom Hsieh" which translates to "Our Savior" in Mrovian. Endnotes #HZ has a very weird way of masturbating, almost like he's rubbing a clit instead of fapping like a regular man. #I've always thought Cuber had really thick, stubby fingers, which would make playing guitar a real hassle for a rock like him. #2138 seems rather low, considering Cuber and Chaiva live together for many years. I have suspicions that Cuber is, like his creator, a bit of an asexual. #Cuber knew how to use chopsticks since he was six months old. #The fish tank thing is based upon HZ as well. I've always found it funny how his family had so many fish. #Super Saiyan pubic hair is a horrible no no for me, good gracious. #Roughly 30% of the Mrovian population never considered Cuber to be the sexiest male Saiyan living on Mrov, despite him being the only male Saiyan living on Mrov. #HZ loves the yo-yo exhibitions. I mean, they do usually have some kickass music to accompany them. #Cubest is a fine fellow and will appear in Dragon Ball: Heart of the Dragon. #Lenin was a right cunt, and so is Seattle. #Rahul is a mutual friend of HZ's and mine. He is a collaborator on our Halo fanon, to be fair. I quite like this one, despite how meta it is, so fuck you. #Cuber will never have Yuki now, that bitch, as Ledas gonna get all up in that puse in HOTD. #I used to see late night commercials for those penis vacuums on TV all the time. Cuber sounds like just the guy who would need one, to be fair. #HZ is a bit of a coward when it comes to alcohol, but alcohol does indeed suck, as I made moderately clear in that bit of trivia. With that said, as Cuber has no personality, alcohol would be pointless, and I've oft wondered if this is the real reason why HZ will never try alcohol himself. #It really does seem odd that Cuber would favor Stalin over Lenin. I don't know if that was an aesthetic choice, or one based more in his deeply communist Chinese mode of living. Regardless, I like Panda Express, but it's not as good as the Szechuan House, so beggars can't be choosers. #Macbeth ain't half as good as Coriolanus lemme tell ya. #Alas, Speonitch, who once represented HZ brother #2, no longer exists, so fuck you Robbie. #Chaiva has probably had sex with three people, or four at most. She's not some space whore or anything like that. #"When Cuber was 4 years old, he drew 11 pictures of him "wrestling with mommy the way daddy does at night". Cuber's aunt hailed the pictures as both beautiful and provocative and urged him to become a Saiyan artist when he grew up. Cuber was 4, so he didn't understand nor give a fuck about his aunt." - this may be embarrassing but if you knew what really happened in HZ's wee childhood, well, this pales in comparison, simply put. And for what it's worth, I think Cuber was absolutely in the right to not give a fuck about his aunt. #Trying to get HZ to write 100 words feels like it takes a lifetime sometimes. #King Kai would not put up with Cuber's wannabe Piccolo bullshit, and Cuber would not be amused by King Kai's jokes, I fear. #I still don't know if to this day HZ could grow a beard. I assume not, and he's like a full-grown man smdh fool. #HZ and procrastination: name a better duo. #If you're wondering, I did indeed once post that Craigslist ad myself, and holy fuck the responses I got were gold (the best one, for instance, featured a middle-aged man standing naked on the edge of his bathtub, showing off his middle-aged backside and looking back at the mirror while taking the picture with his phone). My friend and I too, unfortunately, only received responses from males with this ad. #Dom Hsieh is the name of HZ's SPARTAN-II in our Halo collab fanon world. A classic staple of The Big Book of Very Important Things, this story remains an excellent chapter even upon my reread (doing this while high made it all the more reasonable). It features many of the themes and form-distortions going on in the story. Great stuff. It's also the only collaboration in the collection, so that adds a bit of intrigue. DD's contributions were fine for the most part, though of course I enjoyed my own far more than his, and I'm sure he'd say the same about my contributions compared to his. <---- Part 119.4 Part 119.6 ----> Category:Fan Fiction Category:Collaboration